I Don't Know If I Like What I See In The Mirror Anymore, So It's Time To Walk Away.
I have said before I think of 10th Planet as part of me, we are family. I have also said I never lie even if it makes me look bad. I am going to share with you guys things that may just do that, but it is such a big part of what I have decided to do, I felt I had to tell my 10th Planet family and not just....dissapear.
There are so many things that have a part in this , its hard for me to sort out. I did not do well this weekend which has a part in my choices so I will start there.
I got moved out of my division in Toronto. No kids would fight me so I was told I was being moved to 15-16 year olds. Told not asked. If I didn't move I would not be allowed to fight. This happens more often then not, I have told you guys that before. What I havn't told you is that I have some serious OCD. It springs up over some of the freakest things. But it has zeroed in on this. Everytime I get bumped in a tourny without warning or choices........no matter how cool I act. I really freaking out inside. Sometimes I do ok and handle it, sometimes not. I didn't handle Saturdays lose well. The kid got a garbage take down. Then just laid on me for 4 minutes. No way should this kid beat me. When I lost, I went full on into what I don't like. I was a rotten jerk to my parents the rest of the night. I watched the film of it over and over again. I didn't sleep all night. I prayed all night that more kids would show up for Gi on Sunday, so I wouldn't be moved.
I know all the logical stuff. My dad and coach's have told it all to me. Every lose no matter what, you learn from. Fighting up just makes you stronger. But none of that helps. It's about having control and when they do that to me I feel out of control.
Well Same thing happend today. Made me move and first fight same kid. Ended up riding me same way. After 2 minutes I asked the reff about stalling and he warned the kid.....but never did anything different. I say again, now freaking out, not really at the kid, more because of the obsession that has taken hold. Come on he's not doing anything. Kid says I'm winning. I say your winning ???? Your a pussy, you couldn't really beat me with a brick in your hand !!!. I know thats a dickhead move and why I have to make some changes.
My dad and I talked for 4 hours on the way home. The pure hate I have for that kid boarders on insanity. I don't know if it's the age or what. But I want to fight over things like this without thinking twice about it. I don't like what it's turning me into.
It boils down to I'm driving myself insane over some belts and awards. I know I'm going to sound like a geek but I feel like Luke from Star Wars, being pulled to the darkside. After talking with my dad all the way home. I decided I don't want that right now. I don't want the presure I put on myself or the presure of what others are starting to expect from me.
So we put together a game plan. This does not mean I'm giving up on my dreams of being champion. I am walking away from tournaments, the forums, all the extras for a while. I need to clear my head and I don't know how long that will take.
My dad asked me, when was all this still fun, when you didn't worry about every lose or every negative comment on youtube.
I told him the last time I remember me being really me, was someplace before the modeling, 160 jiu jitsu match's, the national rankings, all the belts, swords was back when it was just him and me doing stand up and the ground work he knew. The best times I had was going to the club and me and another kid just kicking the shit out of each other in the ring for 3 rounds, then rolling afterwards until we were so exhausted we couldn't stand up. No divisions, no rankings. My dad is a pretty smart guy, he's been asking me to take a break for a while. He told me today because of my ocd he has seen the meltdown comming for a while. But he had to let it happen if he had forced me to stop I would have been worse.
He said it would be ok for me to check in on you guys to keep track of how my family is doing, but other then that I have no plans of posting or tournaments until I find balance again. Anyone got Obi Won's phone number ???? No ???? Guess I'm on my own.lol.
I have been brought up that real tough guys don't act tough. Someplace in my head it feels like it has become about how people look at me, or how many wins I have. I want to refind the kid that is tough because I have put in the blood sweat and tears to get what he wants out of life........not because some guy at Naga put a belt on me.
I wish I knew how long that will take.
