My dad brought me home a book today, I have spent the last 4 hours reeding it...... I will get to that in a second.
First off I'm not walking away from training jits or any of my goals and dreams. I'm walking away from tournaments for a while. Maybe a short time, maybe a long time. Whatever it takes to put me in the place I want to be.
For you guys that think its because I'm a pussy and don't like to lose or train hard enough. Half right..... I hate to lose, who doesn't. But thats not why, like the book I will get to that in a second because the book let me find the words to express why I need some time. I train until I throw up...then sometimes train some more. I know better then anyone, when I lose it's because of me and me alone. I know I should have got that kid off me, but like I said I freak out when pushed to 15-16 division. And I choke, then the OCD kicks in. My record for this year is 58 wins and 8 loses. Again for you guys that think I'm doing this becauseI'm being a blat ass for losing, your wrong. I have lost 4 times in the last 6 months. And for you guys that think I only win because I'm huge and now I face real talent, I run away. I have always been big.....and 95 percent of the time face monsters, just like me. I don't give 2 shits about the size of who I am going up against. I faught a kid a few weeks ago, that was bigger then this kid, more talented and choked him out in under a minute. Thanks for the armchair diagnosis, but your wrong. Hang in there because still got to get to the book that will help me give the words to try and get this across in an understandable way to everyone.
For the OCD and guys that wonder if thats for real or a "Self Diagnosis" WTF..... I'm 13 yeah guys you got me I diaged it myself. Right after I ruled out that I didn't have brain cancer and I wasn't pregnant. Or I made it up because I wanted an excuse for the way I feel. It took alot for me to share that with you guys,because it is a major part of the spin I feel I am in. Let me just share one more thing about that with you. There is all kinds of OCD, Mine is not the kind that makes me a clean freak, even though my mother wish's it was. Mine is the kind that make me fill up notebooks front to back with things I think I have to know. Like, I know how to field strip every weapon used by every major military force in the last 20 years. I know every milestone made in the aviation field since the Wright brothers. I know how to make a filter system so you can drink your own urin. I could write a book on every safe and unsafe way you can cut weight. Plus countless other things that have been caught in my web of obsession. Did you guys really think it was normal a 13 year old kid has has a bug out bag complete and enough knowledge to be a field general in the 2012 aftermath. Surprise !!!! Just one of the areas my ocd has visted. I got 100 on a test a few weeks ago, could have scored 105, but missed the bonus question. Didn't sleep for 3 days, Studied everything I could so if I was ever asked the question again, I would be ready. Crazy ??? Welcome to my life.
Now for the book, Its called Competitive Anxiety In Sport. Let me give you some highlites I have already figured out, thats effecting my life.
Performance anxiety always works in the exact same way:
1. You perform an activity that requires you to be in the moment (flow as psychologists call it)
2. You start to worry about it, thinking about all the things that could go wrong
3. The anxiety gets in the way of your performance and becomes a self - fulfilling prophecy
Thats the words I couldn't figure out how to make you guys understand when it comes to me getting pushed into that 15-16 group. I stand there saying. I can't let them get on top because they will be to strong for me to move them. It goes thru my head over and over again. Bam it happens. The book also says many top sports anxiety sufferers also battle some form of OCD. It can help drive them to be the best, but becomes their biggest enemy when trying to overcome anxiety.
Now the words for why I am not competeing for a while. The book says, You must enjoy the event for what it is - another day in your life. NOT the most important thing in your life ! I want to learn to enjoy the compatition again, and not fear failing to perform to what I think my true potential is.
Now for the words why I'm leaving the forum for a while. Again alot of this is my dads input. He knows I see alot of you guys like family. Your opinions mean alot to me. He says that he hopes you guys realize how important you guys are in what kind of person I become. You have had the chance to watch me grow up in front of you, and I hope you will keep being there. He tells me all the time, I'm the only, only child thats got hundreds of brothers and sisters. My fighting has givin me that family.
But the reasons I have to step away can be seen right in this thread. I know all the guys that are there for me to lean on, and i thank you for it. But because my brain is wired diferantly, the ones that I lay in bed and think about always return to the few negatives. Look at just one of them lates85. I will share whats in my head right now, its at the risk of everyone thinking I'm a dick. But I have shared everything in this thread. Where my heads at, I can't help but feel theirs guys that want me to fail. They want me to be that whinny little bitch that they try and twist my thoughts into making me look like. My thought on lates85 is F*@K you. You don't like whats being talked about on this thread move on bitch. My dad says I'm in a pretty sucky time right now. Hello testoterone. It makes you want to fight everyone. Maybe thats true but I know I don't need your negative 2 cents locked in my f*@king head for the next 6 weeks. Unfortunatly the negative is whats getting focused on by me right now. I need to change it. Thats the kid I don"t like seeing right now. I want to go back to the kid that looked at the negative and said "whatever tough guy" laughed about it and moved on. I won't be able to do that right now on this forum until I get some balance back. The few duchieboys will do more damage then all the cool guys where my heads at right now.
Eddie thank you as always. I only want to rep 10th planet in the best way I can. I don't want it to be about me counting wins and belts right now. I want it to go back to me being focused on being the best I can. Get the darkside out of my head. I plan on keeping in touch privatly and letting you know whats up with me.
To everyone that supports me. Thank you, and keep waring for 10th planet. Your all my brothers and sisters.
To you that always spit venom at me. Secretly or openly wanted me to fail or give up on my dreams. If your laughing right now because you think I have crashed and burned.......F*#k YOU, you totaly missed the point of this thread. I crashed and burned a year ago. Buried under 150 belts, trophys, swords and medals. This is about me being a Phonix and rising from the ash's to be what I always have known I will become, a champion. Focused and balanced.
