Serious Situation... NO JOKE Need Advice

Ok, a few weeks ago a kid showed up to our grappling class and signed up. He is 24 years old and at first I thought he was just socially awkward, but after tonight I just don't know what to do. Back story, this kid pulled me aside and asked me to personally train him, that he's not afraid of hard work and that he wants to get in shape. Tonight, we had a viewing party at our new gym for UFC 157 and that's when shit got weird. He was pacing back and forth all night, wasn't really watching the fights, was mumbling to himself making odd facial expressions and really awkward arm gestures, he didn't even know the fights were over when we started closing up. I had a couple of people, including my wife, say that they aren't comfortable with him training with us anymore. So here's my dilemma, this guy is BIG. Like 6' 200lbs ish'. I feel like training him is like handing a loaded gun to a little kid. My wife is ex-army, not much scares her and this dude makes her uncomfortable. Bottom line is that he has to go, but how do I break it to him? I have never had to ask someone to leave a class. My wife is concerned about his reaction when asked to leave. HELP! I was an Army Sergeant for a while and I CAN be tough if need be, but I have no experience with this sort of thing.

If he's a lot bigger than your guys you could tell him it's because he's too big for the class. Just a thought. Otherwise, I think candor is the best thing when asking someone to leave, but have friends with you for that conversation just in case, ya know.

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Originally Posted by Matt "Gumby" Glach

If he's a lot bigger than your guys you could tell him it's because he's too big for the class. Just a thought. Otherwise, I think candor is the best thing when asking someone to leave, but have friends with you for that conversation just in case, ya know.

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My wife and I were talking and we're not sure that he'll understand why we're asking him to leave. I've got contact information for his parents and I'm thinking about contacting them first.

You could approach it by asking him if everything is alright because he seemed awkward/on edge at the UFC party? And then you'll have an opening to say "we just cant have that here" or something along those lines.

I almost wanna say he has some form of autism. Not really digging the social aspect of things but would just zone out on Jiu jitsu, if given the chance. Don't cut him out just yet, he's probably a nice guy but socially isn't able to hang. That's okay.
Now if he looked liked he wanted to kill everyone, that's different, but you describe a person who is mildly autistic, and needs special attention.

Since you have his parent's contact information, that's a definite option. But have you tried talking to him about the awkward behavior? It's quite possible that he might have some type of neurological condition. In any case, you shouldn't just kick him out without first confronting him with the problem. I don't think lying will help the matter, and a simple "Good luck, but you gotta go" is a little cruel. I'd hate to see an otherwise good kid shunned because of a misunderstanding.

Of course, I wasn't there to experience the reality of the situation, so I can't fully offer a solution. It really has to be your call. I don't think that the answers you'll find here will rival your own judgement.

from info given. I would call up the parents, ask for their feedback on him since coming. Is there anything you should be aware of? bring up the UFC night.

Like others said, he may be autistic and can't handle the social aspect, hence wanting to train private. He may not feel comfortable telling people he has some issues. good luck

He might just have serious social anxiety. I had it real bad when I returned from deployment (Marine Sergeant), some people just can't handle crowds and it overloads their heads. Probably why he was coming to you directly for lessons, maybe he is aware of his condition and doesn't want to expose it to others for fear of judgement from others. If it flat out violent or sporadic and he isn't making sense it could be autism. Check his patterns, stick with privates then try semi privates and eventually socially introduce him to the larger classes. Martial arts is a great for people to overcome this kind of anxiety because it is a positive environment for him to grow. If its chemical there isn't much he can do, I would discus it with his parents and see where you can go from there. I would not just directly outcast him. He probably would benefit from being at your school, problems or not.

you reserve a right to refuse service to anyone. Especially if your business is on your private property. Some state and local laws may interfere to a degree with that and open you up to litigation if you make clear you are discriminating on the basis of sex, race, political and religious affiliation, but above all you have the responsibility to your customers to provide your service in a safe environment. If this guy is giving you bad vibes thats a warning sign you need to take heed of before your suspicions are regretfully confirmed. The way you worded the thing so far it sounds like you know you need to get rid of him but your not sure about how to do it tactfully and without legal ramifications. You might wanna run a background check before you go trying to put him out so you can get an idea of if he has had a history of violent encounters or what. Alot of people are on these antidepressants these days that are turning em psycho so you never know what your dealing with. Going the parent route might be your best bet if he's living with them if not they might be able to tell you if he's on meds or has a history of mental issues or something. He is legally an adult though and you might not be able to trust anything they say because they could be the reason he's all messed up though cause not everybodys parents are the Bradys. if you don't hit them up your gonna have to man up and tell him the truth basically, he's distracted and obviously emotionally troubled and you don't need that in your dojang. Have some backup close by when you do. preferably some cool heads that know how to act nonchalant in the background holding you down ready to neutralize the situation. You can definitely go the parents route to and that might head things off at the pass.

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Originally Posted by Slick Rick

I almost wanna say he has some form of autism. Not really digging the social aspect of things but would just zone out on Jiu jitsu, if given the chance. Don't cut him out just yet, he's probably a nice guy but socially isn't able to hang. That's okay.
Now if he looked liked he wanted to kill everyone, that's different, but you describe a person who is mildly autistic, and needs special attention.

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I agree with slick on this. Really sounds like a social disorder. I would def try and talk to the parents and see what's up. With the info they give you I would make a decision on if you can/should train him or not. :cool:

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Originally Posted by Slick Rick

I almost wanna say he has some form of autism. Not really digging the social aspect of things but would just zone out on Jiu jitsu, if given the chance. Don't cut him out just yet, he's probably a nice guy but socially isn't able to hang. That's okay.
Now if he looked liked he wanted to kill everyone, that's different, but you describe a person who is mildly autistic, and needs special attention.

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However, it may not be. And putting others at risk, that have clearly stated they do not feel comfortable around him could seriously disrupt the flow of your gym's culture, is not conducive to a positive learning environment.

Do NOT lie to him and make up an excuse as to why you are asking him to leave. Just tell him he is no longer welcome at your academy. You have to right to refuse any business and you do not need to give any reasons.

If you feel it necessary to give him and explanation (and I do not recommend this), tell him he makes everyone feel uncomfortable and you have recieved several concerns from others, I wouldn't say anymore than this. The reason I wouldn't give him any insight at all is legal repercussions, you don't need a civil discrimination lawsuit. Winning or losing them costs money.

Look, I am never going to win any friendship or besty points by saying this, but it has to be said. Are you a martial arts instructor or a psychologist? IF your a martial arts instructor, then don't play psychologist. When dude is ready to come to class, or his caseworker contacts you to work something out, then let him train. Until then, you have a whole class, and likely chilrens classes to teach. Training dude could be a lifelong journey and be spiritually and emotionally rewarding, or it could devastate you and your school.

Chris Herzog wrote something that you should pay attention to IMHO, "is not conducive to a positive learning environment". Having wasted a couple of years and alot of my money studying training my non expert opinion is that this guy could potentially have a negative effect on your other students.

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Originally Posted by ern

Chris Herzog wrote something that you should pay attention to IMHO, "is not conducive to a positive learning environment". Having wasted a couple of years and alot of my money studying training my non expert opinion is that this guy could potentially have a negative effect on your other students.

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Everything I say should be paid attention too ;)

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Originally Posted by Chris Herzog

Everything I say should be paid attention too ;)

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Yes!:cool:

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Originally Posted by Chris Herzog

However, it may not be. And putting others at risk, that have clearly stated they do not feel comfortable around him could seriously disrupt the flow of your gym's culture, is not conducive to a positive learning environment.

Do NOT lie to him and make up an excuse as to why you are asking him to leave. Just tell him he is no longer welcome at your academy. You have to right to refuse any business and you do not need to give any reasons.

If you feel it necessary to give him and explanation (and I do not recommend this), tell him he makes everyone feel uncomfortable and you have recieved several concerns from others, I wouldn't say anymore than this. The reason I wouldn't give him any insight at all is legal repercussions, you don't need a civil discrimination lawsuit. Winning or losing them costs money.

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agreed.

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Originally Posted by Chris Herzog

However, it may not be. And putting others at risk, that have clearly stated they do not feel comfortable around him could seriously disrupt the flow of your gym's culture, is not conducive to a positive learning environment.

Do NOT lie to him and make up an excuse as to why you are asking him to leave. Just tell him he is no longer welcome at your academy. You have to right to refuse any business and you do not need to give any reasons.

If you feel it necessary to give him and explanation (and I do not recommend this), tell him he makes everyone feel uncomfortable and you have recieved several concerns from others, I wouldn't say anymore than this. The reason I wouldn't give him any insight at all is legal repercussions, you don't need a civil discrimination lawsuit. Winning or losing them costs money.

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Thanks Zog that's exactly what I'm feeling. I'm not going to lie to him but I do feel he could be a danger. I'm going to talk to his parents though because this is a small town and I don't feel like he will understand. During our conversations/interactions I have noticed that he just doesn't understand what's going on most of the time.

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Originally Posted by ern

Look, I am never going to win any friendship or besty points by saying this, but it has to be said. Are you a martial arts instructor or a psychologist? IF your a martial arts instructor, then don't play psychologist. When dude is ready to come to class, or his caseworker contacts you to work something out, then let him train. Until then, you have a whole class, and likely chilrens classes to teach. Training dude could be a lifelong journey and be spiritually and emotionally rewarding, or it could devastate you and your school.

Chris Herzog wrote something that you should pay attention to IMHO, "is not conducive to a positive learning environment". Having wasted a couple of years and alot of my money studying training my non expert opinion is that this guy could potentially have a negative effect on your other students.

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With all the crazy shit that has been going on all over the country all of us have to "play psychologist" and keep an eye out. It's not as simple as just being a martial arts instructor and waiting for the "system" to figure it out. Let's face it, their track record sucks.

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Originally Posted by Chris Herzog

Everything I say should be paid attention too ;)

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I live on the other side of the country and all the advice I have ever received from Coach Zog usually translate into something positive/beneficial, less I piss him off, than I usually get served. :)

Ok, I talked to his dad and he is mildly autistic and very bright. He has no history of any violence or anything like that. According to his dad what he was doing last night is just what he does when he gets excited. I'm going to switch him to private lessons and slowly bring him into the group class. Thank you all for the advice, in the end I'm glad I contacted his parents and I hope martial arts will help him.

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Originally Posted by Moises "Mo" Montalvo

Ok, I talked to his dad and he is mildly autistic and very bright. He has no history of any violence or anything like that. According to his dad what he was doing last night is just what he does when he gets excited. I'm going to switch him to private lessons and slowly bring him into the group class. Thank you all for the advice, in the end I'm glad I contacted his parents and I hope martial arts will help him.

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Well done sir :)

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Originally Posted by Moises "Mo" Montalvo

Ok, I talked to his dad and he is mildly autistic and very bright. He has no history of any violence or anything like that. According to his dad what he was doing last night is just what he does when he gets excited. I'm going to switch him to private lessons and slowly bring him into the group class. Thank you all for the advice, in the end I'm glad I contacted his parents and I hope martial arts will help him.

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Good call.

Talk to his parents should have been the first move.

This is an important thread for all 10p heads to remember :-)

I just want to add, if 10th Planet kicked out people because they had mental issues, our moon(and probably most fight gyms) would be empty... But nobody is in any way a danger or problem for each other, or dis conductive to the training environment, and that's the important factor.

More than anything though, especially in martial arts, a person should not ignore intuition -- if something tells you something is off or wrong about a situation, it is, even if you can't point out what. If you were to ask someone to leave, it would be best to confront them directly on the issue, but with a rhetoric they can understand why or not be offended which can be quite the difficult task especially if they have a large ego/defense complex.

It sounds like you made the right move calling his parents, and you were right to be concerned in the first place. Chances are now the situation will workout for everything, and you'll be able to provide him with extra comfort in understanding of his situation. I think jitsu is therapy for ALOT of us, and has done alot of good for our minds being balance the distresses and conflicts we come across in life.

He may become more social as time goes on. It can be intimidating joining a new gym then having a group party where you don't really know anyone, on top of that with autism. Privates are good but if you get any at all weird vibes or your team isn't comfortable when he tries the group class then call his parents and say your gym can't take him. Tricky situation though. But what's best for your gym is more important than an awkward conversation

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Originally Posted by DanConway

I just want to add, if 10th Planet kicked out people because they had mental issues, our moon(and probably most fight gyms) would be empty...

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So your saying 10p dudes are the craziest? lol

My gf (also 10th Planet!) Has been a special ed teacher for many years. She agrees is sounds like he probably has high functioning Autism or maybe Asperger's Syndrome. This does make him socially awkward. When he us pacing and mumbling you should try to get him involved in something or focused on something. She would also try explaining social norms to him. Shed usually do this by having a "think aloud". It would be like saying to him "hey I'm having a party are you coming? Parties make me nervous. When I'm at a party and get nervous I usually try to watch tv or ask my host if there is a guest account on their computer I can borrow or I bring my gameboy. Its ok to be nervous. Everyone gets nervous." Something along those lines. And she would ABSOLUTELY contact the parents and tell them what is going on. He may have meds he is supposed to be on and has stopped taking and they need to know this. She would be more than happy to talk with you about it if you'd like. Just let me know and ill hook it up.

Guess I should have read the rest of the thread before posting! Good job talking to his dad. I think you did the right thing bro. This has the potential to be a very rewarding experience for you.

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Originally Posted by happyjourney

So your saying 10p dudes are the craziest? lol

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Im sayin everyone is nuts ;]

The best way to deal with this is to have quiet word in his shell and say ' listen mate ur not welcome here, u got at an attitude problem now fuck off '

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Originally Posted by Seymour Green

The best way to deal with this is to have quiet word in his shell and say ' listen mate ur not welcome here, u got at an attitude problem now fuck off '

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http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instanc...x/35431082.jpg

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Originally Posted by Seymour Green

The best way to deal with this is to have quiet word in his shell and say ' listen mate ur not welcome here, u got at an attitude problem now fuck off '

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Not even close to the right answer.