I applogize if I have disrupted your organization

Eddie is pretty much the one that showed me to just get your shit out there and off of your chest. Had to send a similar message like this to my bjj instructor on why I cant train anymore. Everywhere I go I have someone popping up saying not to trust me. I know they are just looking out for each other even if they are dicks on the regular, it my own fault.

So long story short. A "friend" offered me pain killers when I was at a low self destructive time in my life. Around 2009 or 2010. Its a party drug at first until it really gets in your system then it changes into the classic opiate type of addiction. Got experimental, cuz thats how I am, and went a bit crazy after mixing with numerous other substances. Never been good at being a normal human that could make it through school and get a decent life job, so that turns into going on a drug crazed rampage stealing shit and riding around with people that rip people off all the time. I can barely remember half the stuff I did because of mixing xanax with other drugs, but people definetily started saying I was doing twice as much dirt than I actually did. Cant blame them when the nice guy they know does a bunch of crazy stuff they never thought wouldve happened. Since then have been questioned at different martial arts schools the first couple days Im in there about criminal history stuff. The problem is that there is too much fear when questioned by people that you dont know and havnt built up enough trust with you yet. I was just hoping I could train and go about my own business, but that is impossible when already making people suspicious first time you meet them. Then they tell everyone around to be suspicious of you. Never felt like I could be totally truthful with gym owners questioning me because of fear of the unknown. Best thing you can do is just leave when you're questioned about things because they wont trust you anymore after that unless you have a lot of money or success going for you, which I dont/didnt because I suck at normal life things. After years of being given the surprise cold shoulder, judgement, and condemnation it destroys your hearts ability to open up properly. Just causing anxiety and problems for people all the time that all of a sudden here you did things that seem like you would never do. They fee like you tried to pull a fast one on you and then you become less than human in their eyes and cant be trusted. After years of the same rejections from family and friends happening over and over I can finally talk about it without the fear of being attacked or arrested or whatever it was that made the truth so hard to get out. Before the opiates I was the one wondering why anyone would ever do opiates of any kind, steal, or hurt people in any way. I think my joking about peoples issues is why I ended up living through it. I wasnt able to understand the other side of being a fuck up. Pretty sure I cant train under anyone that hasnt been through similar issues without them and the other people being in anxiety of some sort most of the time.

If anybody runs into this issue in the future when the opiate epidemic hits after all these top rappers talking about how great opiates are to people, just remember to build enough trust before going after the truth or it just feels like an interrogation and you're most likely not gonna get the full truth.

If you mix opiates with amphetamines and other drugs you will most likely crazy on some level. If a friend offers you opiates than they are not your friend unless they just dont know any better and are in that beginning party phase of opiate use. They are most likely gonna be your future drug dealer. People on opiates are gonna make a wrong decision sooner or later. It messes up your decision making and you never know which decision is gonna be the stupid one to start a long string of bad decisions. People can get their virtue back after addiction craziness but they have to really want it. The drugs will down grade your thought processes until you do the hard work of getting back to normal. One reason why many never are able to quit opiates.

Been spreading out in martial arts social media in every direction so I hope my interactions with 10p didnt seem like part of any type of agenda. I think thats all of it. If I have to quit jiu jitsu so my heart can move forward than so be it. Ive been through a lot of crazy mystical type stuff that most wouldnt believe unless theyve also been through it so that is a big reason why I had to clear my heart space. I can feel anger and resentment through the internet at times. All I can do is try to warn people of the dangers of opiates and help people get their virtue back after falling. Maybe one day Ill be balling enough to not be the "struggling to pay his monthly fee guy" and not make people around me nervous anymore.

If it wasnt for Eddie I wouldve never kept making memes which eventually turned into video editing my favorite hobby that I might turn into a money maker some day(enough money to live somewhat comfortably one day). If it takes ten to 20 years it would still be worth it.

Also the Joe Rogan podcast that kept me working through a hard labor job in the sun with a shit boss while coming of the drugs. Among other crappy jobs. I was always the one with headphones in at work. Would cause other people to listen to stuff through headphones that would mess it up for everyone else. Its always funny and predictable when it happens. #WorkPlaceDisrupter Bosses hate it when I point out there low level childish psychology tactics and propaganda all the time :)

https://twitter.com/jockowillink

Discipline Equals Freedom

The best thing to do in your case would be to get involved in social services or other programs with people who have the same or similar problems. See it as an opportunity! You got something to share, something that might help others, and what you give will one day eventually come back to you aswell. Use your potential productively!

Sean, we all have a past, homie. Is your community that small, to where everyone knows your history? If so, have you thought about moving and starting fresh? Plus, feel free to share your thoughts and feelings with the instructor, IF you notice other students are being hesitant towards you. Just let him/her know that you've made some mistakes in the past, and while they still may affect you, you are not the same guy you were back then. In my opinion, all you can do is explain yourself. If they choose to not believe you or to treat you differently, then that's their decision, good or bad. Then it becomes your decision to stay or leave. If you truly love jiujitsu, don't quit, man.

I feel like most people would probably read your post, but wouldn't take the time to respond. I feel it's important to see things from all perspectives, not just our own.

Opiate addiction is no joke. It's a national epidemic. I'm working with a lot of alternative health care practitioners where the focus is finding opiate free ways to manage pain. As you stated, this was not for pain to begin with but rather recreation. I would seek out the counsel of a hospital addiction services group, it can help you get in touch with what you're dealing with on a deeper level. There's nothing to hold against the gym owners. They are within their right to run a smooth business and their priority is all their students, not just one. That being said, no one said you have to quit jiu jitsu, brother. I think the time is right to make your recovery a priority, join a social services group, then once you've established yourself firmly in this group, feel free to go to a gym and discuss with different gym owners how you are going through a recovery program and would like jiu jitsu as an outlet to help with that. I could see guys being responsive to this scenario. Again, there has to be the hope of redemption. There has to be upside for a gym owner. Either you will donate your time to them to upkeep the gym or you will be able to consistently pay your monthly fee. The gym owners are not licensed social workers, they're there to show you jiu jitsu. I know several guys at our gym that have dealt with painkiller addiction, amphetamine addiction, or alcoholism that have used jiu jitsu as a healthy outlet to get their life back. Keep everything in perspective though, less is more in terms of talking about your addiction to others at the gym, at least early on. Go there to train. I think this forum can help you on the mental aspect of things, there is a physical/mental/emotional/spiritual discovery you must continue to make if you want to be free from any substance. I think an addiction management specialist and sitting in a group hearing different addiction stories can give you unbelievable support and perspective on your situation.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by maxmarkov

The best thing to do in your case would be to get involved in social services or other programs with people who have the same or similar problems. See it as an opportunity! You got something to share, something that might help others, and what you give will one day eventually come back to you aswell. Use your potential productively!

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Not a bad idea. Ill have to research a little on what I can actually do or which roles I would fit into. It would definitely have to be with people that are looking for help and not there by force or just trying to make others think they arent still using.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by John Hickman

Sean, we all have a past, homie. Is your community that small, to where everyone knows your history? If so, have you thought about moving and starting fresh? Plus, feel free to share your thoughts and feelings with the instructor, IF you notice other students are being hesitant towards you. Just let him/her know that you've made some mistakes in the past, and while they still may affect you, you are not the same guy you were back then. In my opinion, all you can do is explain yourself. If they choose to not believe you or to treat you differently, then that's their decision, good or bad. Then it becomes your decision to stay or leave. If you truly love jiujitsu, don't quit, man.

I feel like most people would probably read your post, but wouldn't take the time to respond. I feel it's important to see things from all perspectives, not just our own.

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Community not too small. Whole world is connected. A couple people like to lurk on my internet open-ness and send messages, even though they have to hide their own douchiness from the public so they dont get judged. One dude actually went to my most recent school and got smart mouthy. I joking threatened to take a picture of him because his own Kobra Kai like school would have been pissed that he was even in another gym. They cant even like other gyms photos on facebook. Its hilarious but sad. So really I just had to learn the lesson of being as upfront as possible from the beginning and leave if my past is a problem in any way. Ive learned over time that you cant stay somewhere that you arent trusted from the start anyway though. Youll always be questioned first because you are on the lowest rung of the trust ladder

Ends up being an energetic issue. If youve ever heard Erik Paulson talk about only rolling with specific people because of negative energy transfers. I get it just being in the same room. Its just uncomfortable to make people uncomfortable. I cant control their thoughts. Nobody would care if I wasnt having money issues or well payed like the average bjj student. Just have to focus on money making first then I can concentrate on jiu jitsu again. Just have to do things in the right order.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Arman Fathi

Opiate addiction is no joke. It's a national epidemic. I'm working with a lot of alternative health care practitioners where the focus is finding opiate free ways to manage pain. As you stated, this was not for pain to begin with but rather recreation. I would seek out the counsel of a hospital addiction services group, it can help you get in touch with what you're dealing with on a deeper level. There's nothing to hold against the gym owners. They are within their right to run a smooth business and their priority is all their students, not just one. That being said, no one said you have to quit jiu jitsu, brother. I think the time is right to make your recovery a priority, join a social services group, then once you've established yourself firmly in this group, feel free to go to a gym and discuss with different gym owners how you are going through a recovery program and would like jiu jitsu as an outlet to help with that. I could see guys being responsive to this scenario. Again, there has to be the hope of redemption. There has to be upside for a gym owner. Either you will donate your time to them to upkeep the gym or you will be able to consistently pay your monthly fee. The gym owners are not licensed social workers, they're there to show you jiu jitsu. I know several guys at our gym that have dealt with painkiller addiction, amphetamine addiction, or alcoholism that have used jiu jitsu as a healthy outlet to get their life back. Keep everything in perspective though, less is more in terms of talking about your addiction to others at the gym, at least early on. Go there to train. I think this forum can help you on the mental aspect of things, there is a physical/mental/emotional/spiritual discovery you must continue to make if you want to be free from any substance. I think an addiction management specialist and sitting in a group hearing different addiction stories can give you unbelievable support and perspective on your situation.

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Im pretty much recovered now. Not fully quitting, just time off until i can afford it properly. Being able to be open about whatever publicly like this I think was the last healing I needed. Im long past listening to others stories. Ive heard and seen enough. I live in Florida the Roxycodone capital of the world. It was really really bad before that Vice documentary woke everyone up to the problems. Im switching into a mode of not wanting to be around just anybody now unless they are extremely in self improvement mode and even then they might still have too many attachments for me to be able to put up with them. The whole protecting your energy thing will make more sense to more people in a couple years. Things get very Matrix-ish at a certain level where you cant just hang around just anyone.

Im not mad at any gym owners or informant types because they are just looking out for themselves and others like they should be. Many just suck at how they go about processing things because they havnt been dealt with before. Im pretty much the only "unsuccessful" fuck up in my family so I didnt know how to handle anything and my family didnt know how to take anything. I know now though. Im pretty sure what Ive gone through will happen on a much wider scale as the opiate popularity continues to rise with young people.

The main problem society has right now is how we want to make people become their fuck up and live labeled as a fuck up instead of reminding them of who they were before they fucked up. It pretty much fucks up peoples frequencies and beliefs of who they are. Then people continue to do the same fuck ups because everyone around them keeps defining them as such. Perfect way to keep people held down in frequency bondage, but the way humans do things is changing for the better quickly

I should also note what caused my fall(aka dark night of the soul). Started comparing myself to the highest level qigong people and started defining myself as not capable enough to reach their levels. Was just too early. I had to learn some lessons that I thought I didnt have to learn. Had more attachments than I thought existed. Was like making it to purple belt and thinking less of yourself for not being a brown or black belt. Ended up having to restart my qigong cultivation all over again from scratch but with less illusions and more knowledge and compassion for those who have gone through tough times. Illusions plus not going hard enough with the qigong(Falun Gong). The things you cant detach from will try to destroy you when increasing your level. It can be a dangerous path if you dont stay strong during the walk through those last shadows. As your level increases, darkness hiding in your mind and dna are increased so you can get rid of them. A hard path that scares most into staying asleep forever the second they look at it.

Once you start having self destructive thoughts, you start to do self destructive actions and finding yourself comfortable around self destructive people more and more. Self dought and hopelessness is a quick trip to the darkside. Luckily I was never able to have any success with anything while in that state or couldve ended up in prison forever or dead. A few crazy close calls but always ended up being protected by something. Maybe that little bit of light I never wanted to give up while everything was trying to pull me down and turn me into the environments around me.

Anyway, hope this helps anybody reading this in the future if things start getting dark and/or weird. Like things arent weird already ;)

I appreciate you just taking the time to post your story man. I'd been putting off reading through this for a few days just because its a lot. lol. anyways, i kind of have a reputation in my area as being the guy (owner) that will work with just about anyone. you've talked about trust a lot and asking the owner of a gym to earn it over time basically. Ever consider the opposite? Giving the trust first. Its uncomfortable to address the elephant in the room as is, but if you started somewhere new just talking to the coach or owner about your past and your plans to move forward. I say that because everybody is a selfish dick at heart and wants to be a part of somebody else's story. Genuinely, its dumb but true. If you came to me poured your heart out and told me jiu jitsu was part of your healing process I'd do everything in my very limited power to help you stay on the mats.
Jiu jitsu is for everybody.

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Originally Posted by shadskey17

I appreciate you just taking the time to post your story man. I'd been putting off reading through this for a few days just because its a lot. lol. anyways, i kind of have a reputation in my area as being the guy (owner) that will work with just about anyone. you've talked about trust a lot and asking the owner of a gym to earn it over time basically. Ever consider the opposite? Giving the trust first. Its uncomfortable to address the elephant in the room as is, but if you started somewhere new just talking to the coach or owner about your past and your plans to move forward. I say that because everybody is a selfish dick at heart and wants to be a part of somebody else's story. Genuinely, its dumb but true. If you came to me poured your heart out and told me jiu jitsu was part of your healing process I'd do everything in my very limited power to help you stay on the mats.
Jiu jitsu is for everybody.

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Excellent point. I think at the time i was working so hard to not be defined by the past that I was just avoiding confrontation out of fear and having already dealt with a lot of separation anxiety. It was mostly the being pulled aside the first week at 4 different gyms for a private conversation my first week there. Each person saying close to the same thing or an evolution of what the last person said made it feel like I was just being interrogated with unknown outcomes. You start to feel the conspiracy-ness of it and go on the defensive. Always with an ultimatum of you can stay if this or you have to go if that. I just wanted to fight and needed training partners. Hard to trust people you dont know when they dont trust you. Just seems like a secret society trying to trick you with psychological tactics. With as much shit as some people were talking years ago I thought my health was in danger so it puts you in a fight or flight mode of paranoia. Thought I was gonna have to legit go to war over a bunch of dumb shit. I dont think the private message senders realized how real I was taking their threats.

Your right though. Shouldve just poured out the heart and dealt with whatever consequences at the time. Then you just get blamed for any and everything that happens around that time period and you wont know if the stories are fake just to further shit you.

Also anyone reading this, dont think Im in pain still from all this. I was able to write it because of releasing it. I dont care who likes or doesnt like me anymore. Aint got time for that mess. Cant control how others judge. Now I know why people keep to themselves when they get famous. People around you start thinking they know more about you then you do. and want to get into all your life business without telling you anything about themselves so they have great gossip material. Then everyone they gossip to judges before they know you. Well not everyone. Some people will inform you what others are saying, but most wont. Many just try to play detective and act like their just asking friendly questions using low level childish psychological tactics. I shouldve told a lot of people to fuck off but didnt beacause of fear and separation anxiety. Done with the weak human emotions. Keep your chin down and stay on offense is the way to go

I'm no psychiatrist so all I'll say is this, you got a lot of talent making comedy videos, very few people on the plane can do what you do, I want more! :)

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Originally Posted by Eddie Bravo

I'm no psychiatrist so all I'll say is this, you got a lot of talent making comedy videos, very few people on the plane can do what you do, I want more! :)

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I'm with Eddie, you do quality work buddy! Also was that you that did the video for bmacs "I dominated Eddie/The Gracie Filter"? Adding the exploding knee and Godzilla dancing and stuff like that? If so, that's one of my favorite bids on the net! Also, like Eddie I'm no psychiatrist but I did read your whole posts and I HAVE been to a WHOLE LOT of different gyms and can confidently say that there are a BUNCH of places that would still be willing to take you with no judgment if you were wanting to do the same to them. Best of luck buddy!

Thanks guys. Forgot about that Godzilla vid. Trying to think up video stuff that cant be easily duplicated. Martial Arts and non-martial arts