It's been forever since I heard any new jokes. Any time someone starts one I cut in with the punch line. Anybody got anything good? I'm dying here.
I wanted to be a gynocologist, but nobody had an opening.
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It's been forever since I heard any new jokes. Any time someone starts one I cut in with the punch line. Anybody got anything good? I'm dying here.
I wanted to be a gynocologist, but nobody had an opening.
not super great but:
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, the husband sees he kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
A zoo has an interesting problem: the new female gorilla is in heat, and there are no males of her species.
One of the keepers comes up with a suggestion: Mike, the zoo custodian, is reportedly not too bright and hung pretty well. They approach Mike with this proposition: $1,000, bone the gorilla. Mike asks for the weekend to think it over.
Monday Mike comes into the office and gives this reply:
"I don't want anything to do with any offspring that may result from this union, I don't want anyone to talk about this ever again, and I'll need another week to come up with the $1,000."
you
Renato: Knock Knock.
Vinny: Who's There?
Renato: Laranja.
Vinny: Laranja who?
Renato: Laranja you glad I didn't say banana?
first page of the thread and we already have our winner :)Quote:
Originally Posted by lates85
I meant funny ones. You should have gone with "I'm not a virgin." Everyone would have laughed.Quote:
Originally Posted by The kza
Not sure how anyone can beat this one..Quote:
Originally Posted by lates85
Q. What did Hitler say to his men before they got in their tanks?
A. Men, get in your tanks.
Q: What do you call a thousand lawyers neck deep in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Also, not a joke, but: "Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away, and you have their shoes."
Did you guys hear about the trans Atlantic flight that was running low on fuel with several hundred miles left before the flight reached land?
The pilot tried to glide to the nearest airport but ultimately failed, there were no survivors.