Ryan Hall
Final Thoughts
Integrity, the connective tissue of one’s soul, should not be a salable commodity.
Once it has been tendered, it is likely gone forever. It can be pursued after the
fact, but like attempting to repair a shattered vase, it is a highly difficult task and
rarely is the remake an adequate substitute for what was once whole. Nothing is
worth your integrity. Not success, not money, not fame. Nothing. Any person
who asks you to compromise it, no matter the justification, is both morally and
ethically bankrupt.
I often wonder what I would be doing right now were I still a part of my old group.
I would have compromised my values so many times that I would be a different
man, someone I doubt I would recognize. Would I too be blindly defending
actions of people I am associated with simply because we wear the same patch,
doing whatever is necessary in my mind to absolve my guru, and by extension,
his disciples, of responsibility for their actions? Would I finally look myself in the
mirror, as I once did, and be so disgusted with my reflection that I wouldn’t know
what to do? Or would I simply keep my head down and keep pushing towards
something so completely insignificant when compared to the price I was paying
spiritually? I honestly don’t know.
Otherwise reasonable people who are in desperate situations often do desperate
things. Things like turning to someone peddling a magical fix to their problems.
Things like believing that the martial arts are an acceptable tool to use to enrich
one’s self at the expense of the uninformed. Things like aggressively and
creatively imagining scenarios in their mind that suspend the facts and allow
them to continue living in their insular, “haters gonna hate” imaginary world
where neither they nor their master are accountable to anything or anyone for the
things they do, the things that are done in their name.
In the past I would have felt only fury at such hideous and reprehensible
behavior, but now I feel an equal amount of pity for the desperate individuals who
are too weak to admit to themselves what they surely are sensing in their hearts.
If there was ever any need for evidence that the martial arts world is at least as
frail and human (often the negative parts of that word) as everywhere else, there
is surely none left now.
Regardless of what some people may attempt to lead us to believe, the ends do
not justify the means. Please, never forget it. No matter how many times it is
repeated, failing (allegedly, depending on which story is to be believed) in an
attempt to do something awful beyond words in no way makes the perpetrator a
better man than he would have been had he succeeded in completing his task.
An attempted murderer is no better than a successful one—he’s just a worse
shot. Intent is the foundation of character, ladies and gentlemen.
Even knowing what I know now, I, too, was almost foolish enough to stay quiet.
Due to the proximity I have to some of the principals of a current horror story
(subhuman or just grossly misguided, depending on the individual) and the public
perception of the nature of my past with them, I had hoped others would speak
out and my voice would not be needed. Only a few did, but those who were
brave enough to offer their thoughts did so eloquently and forcefully, standing up
for what they believe in, what they know to be right. Others bravely and correctly
took their leave from affiliation with individuals whom they could no longer in
good conscience support. I would be ashamed to let them stand alone.
Sometimes it seems like justice has left the world, like it is only for some, and
even then only when the stars align properly. I believe this is because the
average person thinks it is someone else’s job to keep bad behavior in line. I
dispute that. We all have a responsibility to do the right thing, to see that good
people are supported and negativity squashed as often as it can be. A man once
said to me, “Ryan, as long as people feel like they got what they wanted, that’s
enough for me.” That line of thinking was as broken then as it is now.
If I stick my head in the sand when I hear something ugly, I am complicit in the
ugliness. It is my business to know with whom I am dealing. This is not only our
community—it is our world. The version of it we pass on to our children will
greatly depend on the actions we take before they arrive. Would we have them
live in one where people who dodge justice continue on to foster poisonous
attitudes in their disciples—the same disciples who accuse victims of “asking for
it” or being a “dirty whore” because they are too scared to brave the world without
the security blanket of their equally misguided buddies’ approval? I should think
not.
Don’t buy into the materialistic, morally vacant way of life that is peddled to us
each day by media and advertisers. Be something more. Be the change you
want to see in the world. There is nothing wrong with having a balanced
worldview and values that are not dominated by ego gratification and selfaggrandizement. Twitter followers and Facebook likes do not validate your
existence. Your actions in the world, not your tournament victories or opponents
defeated in a game of wrestling determine your value as a person. Don’t allow
yourself to be seduced into believing that there is something wrong with an
individual who holds more dearly their dignity than their medals, than their bank
account.
Teachers: A true leader creates other leaders. He desires not to dominate those
around him, but to uplift them. Not to uplift them for his own benefit, his own
aggrandizement, but because it is the right thing to do. A real leader doesn’t
want disciples. A real leader hopes for friends who respect him for being a
decent human being above all. After all, what other reason is there to follow
someone?
Students: Trust your gut. We all have an internal compass that pushes us in the
right direction, that guides to where we are supposed to be. Listen to it. Do not
permit yourself to pull a gold medal high beam routine to justify staying in a place
or with a person when your intuition tells you something isn't right. I did once for
too long and still bear the scars.
Cultists: You may become angry with me, attempt to assassinate my character,
question my right to speak, accuse me of lying, or even threaten me. One day,
though, I hope you will grow emotionally enough to find the perspective you need
to see how shameful and weak, though still painfully understandable, your
behavior is. If you do, please find the strength to tell your story to others so that
they may be spared the mistakes you’ve made.
If these words have touched you in some way and you want to act but don’t know
how to proceed, here are some suggestions:
1. Learn:
Familiarize yourself with the news stories that are circulating and the
associated commentary. Visit a website like
http://www.rainn.org to learn
more about the real effects of sexual assault on individuals, on families, on
society. Read up on cult behavior. Forewarned is forearmed.
2. Pay attention:
If you have a sneaking suspicion that some of what I have said applies to
you or your training situation—or anywhere else in your life, for that
matter—face the discomfort instead of rationalizing it away. Pay attention
to how you feel and to how people are acting. Consider how consistent
these feelings and actions are with what you know to be right and wrong.
3. Ask:
If you aren’t sure anymore that you know what’s right and what’s wrong,
get a reality check about your situation, from people outside your
academy. Whom do you have access to who is known to have integrity?
Be honest: would your grandmother be proud of the place you call your
martial arts home? Even solicit the opinions of people you have
considered “haters” in the past. Be open to their comments. (The fact
that it will be incredibly difficult to do so means you’re on the right track.)
4. Stand up:
Make sure your actions support your words. If you see inappropriatebehavior or wrongdoing, name it and tell those in question that you insist
on better, from everyone around you, including yourself. Say it as often as
necessary and follow up with corresponding behavior. If changes are not
made, have the conviction to act, to associate only with those who you
can respect for their integrity.
5. Find support:
It will not be easy or fun to address these issues. Don’t do it alone. Find
others, either in or outside of the group, who can assure you of your
sanity. Do not let doubts and fears derail you. Your soul may hang in the
balance.
6. Provide support:
If you have a strong moral compass, a supportive social system of which
your team is ONE part, and a healthily balanced life, pay it forward to
someone who may not be there yet. Provide perspective, discretion, and
encouragement.
7. Keep perspective:
No matter how important the activities we participate in may seem, they
will never be a substitute for the truly valuable things in life: character,
friends, and family—the people who will love and care for you
unconditionally, regardless of how much money you’re making them, how
many tournaments you’re winning, or how carefully you obey their edicts.
Anyone willing to encourage a rift between you and those who truly love
you obviously does not have your best interests at heart.