I applogize if I have disrupted your organization

[Sean Marshall]

I should also note what caused my fall(aka dark night of the soul). Started comparing myself to the highest level qigong people and started defining myself as not capable enough to reach their levels. Was just too early. I had to learn some lessons that I thought I didnt have to learn. Had more attachments than I thought existed. Was like making it to purple belt and thinking less of yourself for not being a brown or black belt. Ended up having to restart my qigong cultivation all over again from scratch but with less illusions and more knowledge and compassion for those who have gone through tough times. Illusions plus not going hard enough with the qigong(Falun Gong). The things you cant detach from will try to destroy you when increasing your level. It can be a dangerous path if you dont stay strong during the walk through those last shadows. As your level increases, darkness hiding in your mind and dna are increased so you can get rid of them. A hard path that scares most into staying asleep forever the second they look at it.

Once you start having self destructive thoughts, you start to do self destructive actions and finding yourself comfortable around self destructive people more and more. Self dought and hopelessness is a quick trip to the darkside. Luckily I was never able to have any success with anything while in that state or couldve ended up in prison forever or dead. A few crazy close calls but always ended up being protected by something. Maybe that little bit of light I never wanted to give up while everything was trying to pull me down and turn me into the environments around me.

Anyway, hope this helps anybody reading this in the future if things start getting dark and/or weird. Like things arent weird already

[shadskey17]

I appreciate you just taking the time to post your story man. I'd been putting off reading through this for a few days just because its a lot. lol. anyways, i kind of have a reputation in my area as being the guy (owner) that will work with just about anyone. you've talked about trust a lot and asking the owner of a gym to earn it over time basically. Ever consider the opposite? Giving the trust first. Its uncomfortable to address the elephant in the room as is, but if you started somewhere new just talking to the coach or owner about your past and your plans to move forward. I say that because everybody is a selfish dick at heart and wants to be a part of somebody else's story. Genuinely, its dumb but true. If you came to me poured your heart out and told me jiu jitsu was part of your healing process I'd do everything in my very limited power to help you stay on the mats.
Jiu jitsu is for everybody.

[Sean Marshall]

I appreciate you just taking the time to post your story man. I'd been putting off reading through this for a few days just because its a lot. lol. anyways, i kind of have a reputation in my area as being the guy (owner) that will work with just about anyone. you've talked about trust a lot and asking the owner of a gym to earn it over time basically. Ever consider the opposite? Giving the trust first. Its uncomfortable to address the elephant in the room as is, but if you started somewhere new just talking to the coach or owner about your past and your plans to move forward. I say that because everybody is a selfish dick at heart and wants to be a part of somebody else's story. Genuinely, its dumb but true. If you came to me poured your heart out and told me jiu jitsu was part of your healing process I'd do everything in my very limited power to help you stay on the mats.
Jiu jitsu is for everybody.

Excellent point. I think at the time i was working so hard to not be defined by the past that I was just avoiding confrontation out of fear and having already dealt with a lot of separation anxiety. It was mostly the being pulled aside the first week at 4 different gyms for a private conversation my first week there. Each person saying close to the same thing or an evolution of what the last person said made it feel like I was just being interrogated with unknown outcomes. You start to feel the conspiracy-ness of it and go on the defensive. Always with an ultimatum of you can stay if this or you have to go if that. I just wanted to fight and needed training partners. Hard to trust people you dont know when they dont trust you. Just seems like a secret society trying to trick you with psychological tactics. With as much shit as some people were talking years ago I thought my health was in danger so it puts you in a fight or flight mode of paranoia. Thought I was gonna have to legit go to war over a bunch of dumb shit. I dont think the private message senders realized how real I was taking their threats.

Your right though. Shouldve just poured out the heart and dealt with whatever consequences at the time. Then you just get blamed for any and everything that happens around that time period and you wont know if the stories are fake just to further shit you.

[Sean Marshall]

Also anyone reading this, dont think Im in pain still from all this. I was able to write it because of releasing it. I dont care who likes or doesnt like me anymore. Aint got time for that mess. Cant control how others judge. Now I know why people keep to themselves when they get famous. People around you start thinking they know more about you then you do. and want to get into all your life business without telling you anything about themselves so they have great gossip material. Then everyone they gossip to judges before they know you. Well not everyone. Some people will inform you what others are saying, but most wont. Many just try to play detective and act like their just asking friendly questions using low level childish psychological tactics. I shouldve told a lot of people to fuck off but didnt beacause of fear and separation anxiety. Done with the weak human emotions. Keep your chin down and stay on offense is the way to go

[Eddie Bravo]

I'm no psychiatrist so all I'll say is this, you got a lot of talent making comedy videos, very few people on the plane can do what you do, I want more!

[Brian Debes]

I'm no psychiatrist so all I'll say is this, you got a lot of talent making comedy videos, very few people on the plane can do what you do, I want more!

I'm with Eddie, you do quality work buddy! Also was that you that did the video for bmacs "I dominated Eddie/The Gracie Filter"? Adding the exploding knee and Godzilla dancing and stuff like that? If so, that's one of my favorite bids on the net! Also, like Eddie I'm no psychiatrist but I did read your whole posts and I HAVE been to a WHOLE LOT of different gyms and can confidently say that there are a BUNCH of places that would still be willing to take you with no judgment if you were wanting to do the same to them. Best of luck buddy!

[Sean Marshall]

Thanks guys. Forgot about that Godzilla vid. Trying to think up video stuff that cant be easily duplicated. Martial Arts and non-martial arts