Hard to know when you're serious or not due to the insane amount of stupid shit you're posting... but if you are serious dogs hump for dominance. Your dog is trying to affirm his dominance so if you want him to calm the fuck down well... hump your dog and he should calm the fuck down.
Also dogs established dominance by where they stand. Your dog should be sitting on your couch with you unless you tell him to come up same for your bed. You dog should always sit or sleep lower than you.
Another basic thing is when you get in or out of your place. Make sure that humans are going in first and your dog last.
Theres quite a few basic rules that if you follow them your dog will behave and stop trying to defy your authority